I’ve been on my own doing my own thing for so long, that it never occurred to me that travel could put a strain on a relationship. Now that I have a serious boyfriend, it’s an issue. So, as I meet more and more married travel writers, I want to ask them, how do you do it? How do you deal with the leaving, with the return? Yesterday I happened to talk to two people from different perspectives. One married woman said that it is a strain on their relationship, but that she’s not necessarily ready to give up her thriving career. Then I talked to a man, who is divorced, who can’t imagine how being a travel writer works when you’re in a relationship.
I’d like to think that if I have one or two international trips planned throughout the year, I could be happy with looking forward to that. But, what about all the domestic travel that goes on for conferences, meetings with clients, and speaking gigs. If it’s spread out, at least for me, it’s ok as long as when I’m home, I’m really home, and being happy about being home. But this is the me without kids.
As I think about what kind of future I want to have, where does the compromise line get drawn? Is it possible to have a family with someone who doesn’t share a spirit of adventure? My relationship isn’t hinging on this, I don’t think, but it’s a topic that is fascinating me now that I am in a serious relationship.
So, here are some questions…
- Do you have to compromise your travel for your spouse?
- Are there tricks to the trade for appeasing a spouse who’s left at home?
- If there are married couples who face this strain, how do you deal with the issue?
I’m curious as to what you’re dealing with and how you make it work.
We deal with that here too, and it’s the primary reason I haven’t dove back into travel writing after almost ten years away. It’s not so much that Shane would mind my being gone a lot, though he does get very antsy to come with me and often can’t because of his own projects. It’s more that having teen and preteen kids I’d be leaving with him while I wander off makes me feel a little too guilty.
Now in 5-6 more years, that’s another story entirely. You’ll never see me again.
Thanks for commenting, Tonya. I really find it fascinating. I bet there are several varieties of conflict that some with this one main topic. Whether it’s kids, or attention, or money, or differences in personality.
Bring on more comments everyone.
For those like me, who aren’t married yet…there’s always a pre-nup. Those don’t have to only be about money. 🙂
I think you have to find the right person who understands that when you travel, you need to travel by yourself in order to find the stories you need to find. At least, that’s the kind of travel-related writing I do. … I think it’s a difficult thing to ask, but you have to be up front about it.
In my opinion, each individual and each couple does what is most important to them. Prioritize and go from there.
I agree with you, Mary. For every family there are different issues. I don’t necessarily want to travel alone, but I wouldn’t rule it out because there are lots of benefits to it.
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As I’m getting ready to celebrate my 10-year anniversary, this is just one more thing that defines the key word in a relationship: compromise. Fortunately my wife loves to travel (we wouldn’t be together otherwise) and my kid is getting old enough to take along sometimes. But if I went on every press trip I wanted to or pursued every article angle and book idea I wanted to, it would be big trouble for my marriage. I have to prioritize and pick the ones that really matter. And make sure the stars align on the scheduling.
I strongly disagree with the idea that you can only write and research when alone though. Naturally it depends on the article slant and the place, but it doesn’t make much sense to be alone when writing about a family resort, a nice hotel, or other places where no normal vacationer goes by themselves. Plus you sample a lot more dishes in a restaurant if there are a few of you. Last, as a man, I get a lot more quotes from women if my wife is with me and meet a lot more moms if my daughter is. A lone man approaching strangers and asking questions is looked at suspiciously in more than a few places around the globe. (How many quotes from women do you see in the average Theroux book?) I’ve probably published 50 articles and hundreds of hotel reviews from trips where I wasn’t alone. Having a second set of impressions made them better in most cases.
Excellent practical feedback, Tim! Thanks for taking the time to write that up. From someone who is living the dream, and not just talking about it, Tim gave good advice. Especially about the quotes. It’s managing the day to day effects of negotiating the compromise that must be the tricky part.
I’m so glad you’re asking this question, and I look forward to hearing more from people who make it work. My boyfriend only likes to travel occasionally, and at times, I think that’s great – travel can be my thing and set me apart – but other times I think it would be nice to share my travels with someone. As we get more serious, the situation is definitely on my mind. Where is my crystal ball?
Thanks Jen – you’re running my story in What Color is Your Jockstrap?
Here’s something else to chew on when weighing the trade-offs. From a newspaper article out today. According to “price of happiness” research from a Dartmouth professor, “if you are single or in a miserable marriage, you’d need to make $100,000 more each year to have the same level of happiness as a happily married person. If you have sex just once a month, you need to earn an extra $50,000 more to be as happy as someone having sex once a week with a monogamous partner.” So pick someone compatable you can stay married to and then make it work for the long term. Otherwise you may have more freedom, but enjoy the travels less…
It is nice to travel alone sometimes, but it’s also nice to have someone to come home to when the trip is over.
Thanks again, Tim! Hi Tiffany!
Is this the article you were talking about?
https://www.thedartmouth.com/article.php?aid=2004070801040
Here’s one from Forbes on the same topic.
https://www.forbes.com/sciencesandmedicine/2004/09/20/cx_da_0920happiness.html
From This is Money Blog
https://anmblog.typepad.com/this_is_money_blog/2006/02/the_25000_price.html
So, here’s something. commit to having sex twice a month, and then we only have to make an extra $25k to be happy. Much easier than 100k or even 50k. 🙂 But don’t you dare spend that money on travel, it’ll only exacerbate the problem. I’m having fun now. Even if it is a serious topic.
Warning: this is peripheral! I’m an american and met my english husband while we were teaching in Korea. At the time, he planned to move to China in a few months, and I wanted to come here to Cambodia within a year. We were broadsided, it was completely unexpected – I definitely didn’t want a relationship at the time. Though neither of us was interested in staying in Korea, we did so for the other person/our relationship to see how things would work out. They did, and currently we’re both pursuing our interests in Hong Kong (him: martial arts, chinese characters, mandarin) and Cambodia (me:some travel writing, mainly printmaking/painting/photography) until Christmas this year, with visits/travel together every few months.
We both highly respect the other person’s interests, passions and intellect. At the bottom of it all, we’re both passionate about travel, when together and separate. It’s one of the main reasons I married him. Our lifestyles/goals/interests are complementary, and travel was at the bottom of it.
After twelve years of travling alot and 18 years of marriage I have to say that it has put no strain on my marriage. I have always traveled and that was a known factor from the start. I think that the fact that my wife loves her teaching job really helps. I also think that because of that job having summers off helps things work. We get to share travel time together during those three months. We have both understood that the pursiut of ones dreams is not a hinderance to loving one another. She heads to Florida ever year to correct national tests for high schoolers and then I handle the home front.Not very well I admit! She is however my favorite person in the world and my top traveling partner.That is the key factor I suppose.
Hi Jen, I feel like I’m struggling with this now … I’m just now finally getting a travel-writing career going, with a steady flow of small assignments, but my boyfriend is more tied down by his business now than he has been at any other point in our relationship. (To complicate matters, we live a 3-hour drive apart from each other – though we usually spend 2-3 nights a week together.) He can’t usually join me for my trips, but one thing I’m trying to do is join him on his business trips – pitching stories based on his plans, rather than on my own independent interests.
To Tim’s point … I agree that sometimes it’s easier to get good material if you have a companion – particular for urban destinations, where it’s nice to have a companion for dining out, nightlife, etc. But for more challenging destinations, I think it can be a bit too easy to retreat into the hotel if you’re traveling with your siginificant other; sometimes it’s easier to force yourself out the door if you’re alone.
Hi Rach, Thanks for chiming in. I like your flexibility and working with his travel schedule. There really are travel article possibilities everywhere we go.
One thing I want all of you to acknowledge is that you’re getting assignments. You’re making this travel writing hobby/career a reality. I created WR because travel writing had been a dream for me, and I knew it was for others. But that it didn’t have to be just a dream. Travel writing is not rocket science, we can do it.
So, yes. There are some difficulties in the lifestyle, but make sure you credit yourself for giving it a go.
Good luck everyone!
I am finding all of this very interesting to read. I stumbled upon this site- by accident, while researching a potential Travel Writer to interview for a college project. Interestingly enough, I do have a partner- of 2 years- who works Over Seas for 6 week intervals. We have learned to make our relationship work with the time that we are given- perhaps that is why I feel confident in choosing a career that involves travel- aside from the sheer enjoyment and interst of it. Not to say that being apart is, at times, trying-nor is it for everyone – it is that we all have such a short time to enjoy the opportunities that are available to us. It is the reality of today, in this global economy- it will probably contribute to the changing face of the “relationships” that we are all so comfortable with and expect….just a thought- Luck and acceptance, in love.
Anyone Travel Writers from Vancouver interested in meeting for a brief Q&A??
Thrilled to find this site. I have struggling with my boyfriends travel schedule. We have been together for three years and it has always been the threads of our life. In the beginning, it was fun, we would spend our weekends like vacations and off to the next gig he would go. Extreme travel- a different US, international city every week of the year. It worked for me as Im a busy professional as well. Now things are changing for me, we moved in together and he\’s tired on Fridays when he gets home, Sat is full of errands getting read to leave again.. and Sunday gone. I am getting very resentful becuase there is no time for me. We talked about children some time ago and now he is backing off due to his travel. I am upset….what is in this for me? Im alone, work all the time and probably wont have a family. Not a good experience on my part. I have asked him to scale back and he will not compromise and will not compromise on the baby BUT expects me to compromise my life and companionship for his. I am leaving him the week for a life I want. One he has told me he cannot offer.