This post is not about writing your memoir. So, if you find this personal vent while looking for advice, there’s no need to be disappointed. Just go take a class.
Today, I’m talking about my recent fascination with time. I’ve been reading a lot lately: research for stories and pitches, current events, looking for Panties stories, etc—and I’m taking particular note to how writers are referencing time. I think this phase started when I was reading Sarah Macdonald’s Holy Cow! She started a paragraph that summarized a whole summer, and I loved it. Whoa, lesson learned right there. In fact, I wish I had the book so I could quote it right now. It worked, and I wanted to do it. Just summarize my winter with something profound.
So, as I’ve been monitoring my growth and attributing it to this season in my life, I find that I continue to be amazed and humbled. At so many things. Stronger senses of patience, but still overreacting instantaneously. Rediscovering that I should never use the word “never” (Hey, I eat olives and red peppers now! ) Living one week that feels like two or three, and then turning around in wonder at how the past 48 hours disappeared in thought. Watching my body change throughout the course of six months, and remembering that it can change again in the next six, too.
I’ve reminisced about a letter I wrote on Christmas Eve when I was dreadfully sad over nothing, and then proceeded to dig up 2-3 unsent letters to the same person since telling him about the improved state of my mood. So much can happen in just a wink.
Sometimes it’s trivial. How often do we, or should we, rethink our lives and the paths that we are walking down? There is a lot of food for thought in Dominick Dunne’s article, “A Death in the Family,” in the March issue of Vanity Fair.
In this diary piece, Dunne reflects on the tumultuous relationship with his brother. He tells of their successes and about some of his own weaknesses. When I read a paragraph that talks about divorce or death, I am awestruck at how an event that is probably packed with tremendous emotion, and could take years to recover from, can be reduced to a few sentences.
“After his funeral, I began to rethink my life. In 1980, I left Hollywood for good and moved to New York. Even when John and I weren’t speaking, we would meet up at family funerals. Our sisters, Harriet and Virginia, both died of breast cancer. Our nephew Richard Dunne Jr. was killed when his plane crashed in the airport at Hyannis, Massachusetts. His two daughters survived.
The major experience in my life has been the murder of my daughter. I never truly understood the meaning of the word “devastation” until I lost her.”
Time, is mind boggling. And who are the people in our lives that are teaching us we have to do something with it? I didn’t take that class. Or didn’t listen to that advice. But I want to be conscious of the history that I am building, the people I choose to walk with. Even if I’m only starting now. And of course, someday, I want to have a regular restaurant that I dine at with my sweet.
Has anyone read this article? It’d be fun to discuss what you got from it. I noticed it was snowing, poured a glass of Diet Coke, and left the bottle away from the table so I’d have to make an extra effort to go get a second glass.
Rethink everything. Know how you feel.
PS. All that effort and emotion you’re putting into your book? In twenty years it’ll just be a sentence. It might even end up in the same sentence as your next two works of art.
I haven’t read the article but I think I will when I stop by the bookstore today.
Thanks for your words – they came at a perfect time.
By the way, I read Ayun’s interview (hi Ayun!) with Rolf Potts on the Vagablogging website, and there’s a very nice Jen Leo mention…
I read it probably a day or two after I finished reading Joan Didion’s “Where I Was From.” I started that book a couple of weeks ago, while flying to Portland for my aunt’s funeral.
My extended family is extremely close, but after that event, reading the book, and then reading the article, I’ve definitely started to put more thought in being present for my friends and family. What’s so important that I can forget a birthday, or an occasional phone call or visit? Pretty much nothing.
Hi Jill, I’m surprised that you don’t think you’re present with your friends and family. You always seemed to be when I was around. But I guess we were a class full of strangers at first.
However I do think it’s good that you’re rethinking things. Kinda like an emotional physical or check up.
Regarding being present, I’m the other way around. I feel very present when I’m with my friends or family, but feel internal pressure to do more when I’m away. I hop from intense present moment to the next, and look forward to a steady plateau to see what unfolds when I’m not moving around.
What did you think about his talk of Joan and John’s marriage? I found it inspiring.I personally couldn’t be around someone *that* much all the time, but I still liked the way he described it. Actually, I didn’t explain that well. I probably could be around a spouse like that, but it wouldn’t be good for us for long periods at a time. I’m a better person at home, if I’m also active in the outside world. My spirit is better.
You know, I think I misspoke. I’m definitely present for friends and family when I’m with them, but time will pass without my picking up a phone or going to visit, and I regret that. I know we all mean to do more, and it’s so easy to get pulled under by work and all. I think it’s those life events (like death, birth, marriage…) that jolt me into remembering that I need to see and talk with people more often and not give into the “I’m tired, I’ll do it tomorrow” thinking.
I was very inspired by the talk of John and Joan’s marriage. It’s funny, when Doug and I were in our early days of dating, I wanted to institute four days a week for myself, and as time went on, that didn’t seem as important. Now, with him in Honduras in the winter and me seeing him every four weeks (over a four month timeframe) is a different challenge. I find that the first two weeks is like an extended girls’ night out, and then I’m talking to the dog and answering for him. I miss the companionship. We spend more time together than a lot of couples that I know (when Doug’s in town), and it doesn’t bother me in the least.
That sounds more like you. And I think we’re in the same boat with keeping up the correspondence and visits.
I remember when you got engaged. And I think that a long distant relationship, for only four months, will make for a great story to tell the grandkids. Speaking of stories, your trips must be giving you some grist for Honduras travel stories!
Don’t you know it, my dear! I’m making all those Honduras stories into one long story (read: book). It’s why I’m not submitting pieces all over the place at the moment.
Speaking of keeping in touch, you’ll have to let me know the next time you’ll be in the Bay Area. We’re overdue for a drink together.
or four!
Deal. 🙂
hi all. new here. first post.
i’m working on a collection of travel essays, my first book. originally from berkeley, now in istanbul.
jill says [snip]
(read: book). It’s why I’m not submitting pieces all over the place at the moment.
i have a question about this. in working on a book, what are reasons not to keep submitting shorter parts of it? solely rights related? doesn’t it keep you in the public eye? make you seem current to agents and publishers?
thanks and look forward to contributing more!
Hi Tana, I think that having an excerpt from your forthcoming book can only help you when you sell it. If you can show an agent or a publisher that there is a demand for your writing/and the topic (by selling a story to a magazine), then that can only help.
I absolutely love the advice that literary agent Jenny Bent offers on her website.
https://www.jennybent.com
I have a lot in common with Joan Didion. I started to write as a form of mental rehab . But he sinilarity ends there. Her greiving is obvious as she searches for answers in her book, tHE yEAR OF mAGICAL tHINGS. lIFE IS MAGIC, FROM BOYHOOD FANTASIES TO MY FIRST CUT AND MY FIRST WARM FEELING OF LOVE. sHE WRITES BEUTIFULY WHERAS i WRITE ABOUT THE THINGS TO COME THAT ARE VISIONARY BUT REAL AS MY FIRST DROP OF BLOOD. cALL ME sAM.